Don't Pet the Teacher

Don't Pet the Teacher
Season 1
Episode 4
Hanson gets acquainted with a suspect.
Episode Information
Airdate	April 26, 1987
Written by	Patrick Hasburgh; Stephen J. Cannell
Directed by	Les Sheldon
Episode Guide
Previous	America, What a Town
Next	My Future's So Bright, I Gotta Wear Shades

“	Hanson, guys who make a habit of camping out on school rooftops don't usually make much sense.	”
	— Captain Richard Jenko

Short Summary

Hanson's romance with a teacher complicates an investigation involving a high school that was the site of a break-in and vandalism.

Full Summary

A Thief in the Night

A newspaper describes Kyle's championship win.

The episode begins with an individual vandalizing the walls inside an office with the words "Weintraub bites the big one." A framed newspaper on the wall reads, "KYLE STONE TAKES GRAYHOUNDS TO 1971 STATE CHAMPIONSHIP." This same individual then steals the typewriter from another classroom and proceeds to play basketball in the school's gymnasium. He then enters another classroom and places flowers on the desk of Miss S. Chadwick. Throughout this scene, the face of the individual is not revealed.

Hanson Takes the Case

Jenko explains the case to the team.

At the chapel, Jenko relays the crime to the team, stating that this was the fourth breaking and entering occurrence South Central High School has had in as many months. He claims there were no signs of forced entry, meaning the person who did it must have access to the school outside of school hours. He also mentions that a teacher there is getting roses from a "secret admirer."

Upon reviewing the case, Hanson asks if they have any suspects. Jenko mentions there are a few, particularly a student named Jeffrey Stone, as he is known for selling everything from "hot records to tickets to the boss concerts," suggesting Hanson should use rock music to get acquainted with him.

Ioki pipes in, asking if he can have an extended lunch that day, stating he had to take a portion of his sergeant's exam. Jenko is delighted to hear that Ioki is taking this exam and wishes him luck.

Flat Tires and Flirtations

Hanson gets a flat on his way to school.

While on his way to South Central High, Hanson gets a flat tire. While he has a spare to fix it, he realizes he does not have a jack to replace the tire. He begins calling out at people passing, hoping someone will stop and help him fix it. A woman in a black car sees this and offers her help.

Hanson, grateful that someone stopped to help, asks her if she has a jack. She quips that she knows a Jack, but she doesn't have a jack. She describes Jack as, "big guy, dark hair, eats with his fingers, lousy dancer." Hanson, slightly amused, states that it's a different jack, to which the woman says he is lucky for that. She then goes to her trunk and finds a tire sealant, offering it to Hanson, along with the words, "welcome to the '80s."

He thanks her, then tells her to "give [his] regards to Jack." She says she can't because they're no longer together, which Hanson uses as an excuse to ask her to allow him to make it up to her by offering to fix her next flat, then "who knows, lunch, house in the suburbs, possibly a kid when we're ready." She acknowledges the banter, stating she's not planning to have one anytime soon. Hanson asks whether she means a kid or a flat, and she says both, quipping, "no jack." Hanson asks if she's "taking applications," to which she replies she's "in the book under 'auto repair'" and introduces herself as Susan Chadwick.

Jeffrey is Questioned

Weintraub questions Jeffrey regarding the crime.

At the school, the bell rings for class as the janitor tells a student that "Weintraub wants to see [him]." The student mocks him and his intelligence as the janitor scrubs the vandalism off the walls. The student then calls him by his first name, Albert, and asks him if he still wants the compact disc player he had asked for.

Weintraub reveals the student's name to be Jeffrey and asks him if he knew who vandalized his office. Jeffrey sarcastically states that graffiti art was indeed popular but that he was more of a performance artist. Mr. Weintraub asks Jeffrey how he's spending his time outside of school, to which Jeffrey replies "the same thing as everyone else, only longer." Weintraub then says if Jeffrey wants some more excitement in his life, he should try out for the basketball team, because his brother liked it so well. Jeffrey states sarcastically that it "did him a lot of good," revealing that his brother "[got] lost in Cambodia" as a result.

An Honest Mistake

Ms. Chadwick realizes she has made a mistake.

Hanson finally makes it to school and is shocked to realize that the woman who helped him with his flat earlier that morning was his English teacher, Ms. Chadwick. Ms. Chadwick is equally surprised and embarrassed, but Hanson assures her that she shouldn't be—that it was an honest mistake. She then introduces him to the class as Tom Gilmore. Shortly after, Jeffrey walks into the room with an outlandish excuse as to his tardiness, citing aliens as the reason.

While amused, Ms. Chadwick asks that they now be able to begin class. While the class reads the poem assigned to them, Jeffrey leans over and shows another student a pair of Van Halen concert tickets he has for sale. He tells the student he wants $80 for them. Hanson turns around and says he'll give him $70 for the tickets. Eventually, Jeffrey accepts. Just then, Ms. Chadwick walks up, stating they were in an English class, not at an auction, prompting Hanson and Jeffrey to put away their respective cash and tickets.

In an effort to embarrass her, Jeffrey states he knows Ms. Chadwick's "good news," announcing that she has a secret admirer that left her flowers the night before. She is visibly taken aback by the announcement.

Bartering Pays Off

Hanson offers to buy tickets from Jeffrey.

After class, Jeffrey catches Hanson in the hallway, asking if he still wants the tickets for $70. Hanson states that the market "gets soft" after the bell rings, and his offer is now $60. He tells Hanson not to "out-gun a gunner" and gives them to him for free, stating, "this way, [he] wins," comparing it to a bank giving away free toasters to new customers.

He then tries the same pitch for the CD player that he made on the janitor, stating it was a "great gift item" for a girlfriend. Hanson remarks that his girlfriend believes he himself is a great gift item. Before walking away, Jeffrey gets his attention again, asking him to meet him at Zeno's that night so he could buy Hanson a drink.

Albert Makes an Effort

Albert Janowitz helps hang decorations.

While Albert is hanging decorations in the cafeteria, Ms. Chadwick is talking to a fellow teacher, Kathryn Lezar, about moving Jeffrey out of her class, because she fears he has an unhealthy obsession with her. Ms. Lezar rebuts that her class is the only one Jeffrey attends regularly, so moving him out of her class might encourage him to drop out of school altogether. Ms. Lezar then states she likes Jeffrey, because he is bright. She said she had him in class as a sophomore, the year Jeffrey's parents split up, which he apparently didn't take well. She then expresses regret that Kyle wasn't there, because he would've been a good influence on Jeffrey.

She describes Kyle as having been very handsome and popular. She turns to Albert to vouch for this statement, which he does, stating Kyle took them to the championships his senior year at South Central. Ms. Lezar then appeals to Ms. Chadwick once more, asking if she ever had a crush on a teacher, to which she replies that she did: Mr. Peterson, eighth grade biology.

After Ms. Lezar leaves, Ms. Chadwick and Albert are left, prompting Albert to state his opinion that Kyle wasn't as great as everyone wanted to make him out to be. He expresses disdain at both his and Jeffrey's outspokenness, feigning a smile to appear polite. He says that if Jeffrey gives her any more issues, then he will take care of it for her.

Hanson Pays Back

Ms. Chadwick finds another rose in her car.

As Ms. Chadwick is walking out to her car, Hanson pulls up beside her and hands her a replacement can of the tire sealant he used to fix his flat. She thanks him for his discretion in keeping their flirtation earlier quiet, seeing as she is a teacher and he is her student, unbeknownst to either of them at the time. She notes that she didn't take him for a fan of Van Halen, and he said he didn't take her for the teacher type.

After Hanson drives off, Ms. Chadwick unlocks her car and opens the door to find another rose in her front seat, identical to the one found on her desk that morning. She is visibly shaken by this find.

Jeffrey's Nightly Routine

Jeffrey smokes a cigarette on the roof of the school.

At his home, Jeffrey walks in to the living room to find his father and his father's girlfriend kissing passionately on the couch. Seemingly undeterred by this, Jeffrey makes himself comfortable on the couch to watch television. The couple stop, and his dad asks him if he has any money, announcing that he would be out of town the entire following week. Jeffrey acknowledges this then says he's going out for the evening, leaving the couple alone once again.

Hanson walks into Zeno's and finds Jeffrey sitting at a table, ordering. A woman walks up and thanks Jeffrey for the seats at the U2 concert he was able to get her, then inquires on Hanson. Jeffrey shoos her away then tells Hanson not to accept her invitation to "ruin [her]," because she's "the poster child for 'ludes." Another woman approaches and asks if he has the item she wants to buy from him, which he does: a CD player (which Hanson notes makes a "great gift item"). Hanson tells Jeffrey he doesn't like Zeno's and asks him to finish his beer so they can go. Jeffrey states he doesn't drink and stalks out of the bar.

Through a window, Ms. Chadwick is seen in her pajamas with a book in her hand, seemingly getting ready for bed. Jeffrey and Hanson sit outside in Jeffrey's car while Jeffrey details her nightly routine. Hanson asks if he spies on her like this frequently, and he responds, "man's gotta have his hobbies, Gilmore." Hanson is noticeably off-put by this revelation.

Jeffrey then takes the two to the top of South Central to "[get] away from down there." He elaborates, saying up there, they didn't have to deal with "adult paranoia, state championships, senior dances, [or] Cambodia." When Hanson doesn't reply, Jeffrey changes the subject, asking how much money he was able to sell the Van Halen tickets for. Hanson plays along, asking how he knew he didn't actually want the tickets for himself. Jeffrey states he could just tell Hanson had "never listened to Van Halen in [his] life." He calls this his talent, comparing it to his brother's aptitude for basketball. He also assures Hanson there are no hard feelings for selling his "gift." Jeffrey then proposes that he and Hanson go into business together. Hanson declines.

Hanson Reports Back

Ioki and Penhall argue over a baseball pitch.

Back at the chapel, Ioki and Penhall are playing baseball, arguing over whether or not Ioki had a strike against him. Jenko refocuses them on the next pitch and asks Ioki a question for his sergeant's exam, which Ioki begins to answer correctly when Hanson walks in and finishes his thought. Jenko asks Hanson how the "rock concert" went, to which Hanson tells him he didn't go but believes Jeffrey is the culprit they're looking for. He describes him as a "loner" who spies on his English teacher in his spare time and has a "felony-sized chip on his shoulder" in lieu of legitimate priors.

Hanson Makes a Move

Ms. Chadwick grades papers at a restaurant.

Ms. Chadwick appears in a restaurant, grading papers, when a waiter brings a drink to her table. She says she didn't order the drink, but before the waiter can explain, Hanson approaches, stating he did. He asks her if he can join her. She replies that she's busy and that he shouldn't be buying her drinks, given the nature of their relationship. He says he bought it for himself and that it was a "Coke," not an alcoholic drink. Noting his damp clothing and hair, she asks if he "spilled the first one." He explains that it's raining, to which she reveals her frustration, as she walked to the restaurant.

He gestures to the paper she is grading, saying it was a strange place to grade papers. She rationalizes that it wasn't quite as weird when taking into consideration most of them were likely written at a Twisted Sister concert. She then states she doesn't want Hanson to get the wrong impression of her, based on their first meeting. She admits she was attracted to him at first but that seeing as they are student and teacher, they can't act on anything. He assures her that he had walked in, saw her sitting there, and had only come by to "say hi." He then leaves her to continue grading her papers. Shortly after, he returns to ask her if the salad she was eating was the reason he found salad dressing on his last book report. She retorts it probably is the reason.

The Thief Strikes Again

Calculators are being stolen at the school.

Back at South Central, the basketball scoreboard is powered on and set for 30 seconds. An unidentified person dribbles the basketball to the free-throw line as the clock winds down to 9. He/She takes the shot and misses as the buzzer sounds. He/She then walks out of the gymnasium and into a classroom, placing the school's supply of calculators into a brown bag. He/She then places another rose on Ms. Chadwick's desk.

Jeffrey the Stalker

Jeffrey watches Ms. Chadwick and Hanson from his car.

Hanson drives up to Ms. Chadwick's house, having driven her home from the restaurant. She thanks him for driving her home, stating she "had fun." She then notes that there's something that doesn't quite fit about Hanson, to which he states perhaps she doesn't have "all the pieces" yet. He then asks her to senior prom. She responds that perhaps seven years ago, she would've said yes. She then goes inside her house and Hanson drives off. As he is driving away, Jeffrey can be seen behind him in his own car, watching the two of them interact.

Jenko Voices His Frustration

Jenko scolds Hanson for failing to catch Jeffrey.

At the chapel, Ioki studies for his sergeant's exam. Hanson walks in and asks him how it's going. Ioki says he passed the written exam with flying colors and that in the following days, he would take his oral exam. Once finished with that, he would be Sergeant Ioki. He then tells Hanson that Jenko wanted to see him in his office, explaining that his "alma mater was hit again last night" and that there were a number of desk calculators taken.

Hanson enters Jenko's offce to find him lifting weights. He apologizes, saying he didn't think Jeffrey would "hit" again so soon and that it didn't make sense to him. Jenko rationalizes that "guys who make a habit of camping out on school rooftops don't usually make much sense." Hanson continues trying to defend himself, only for Jenko to reveal that the principal of South Central had called in a third party security firm to handle the problem and that Hanson had threatened the security of the Jump Street program in allowing this to happen. He then asks Hanson what Jeffrey was up to the night before, speculating that he was spying on Ms. Chadwick. When Hanson doesn't reply right away, Jenko gets suspicious and asks what Ms. Chadwick looked like. Hanson's eyes light up as he begins to describe her, only to shortly thereafter realize what his enthusiastic response has revealed to Jenko. After side-stepping the question a few times, Hanson then reveals that he was, in fact, with Ms. Chadwick the night before instead of with Jeffrey. After being scolded by Jenko for taking personal time during company time, he suggests that Hanson go pick up Jeffrey.

Jeffrey is Accused

Hanson arrests Jeffrey.

The next day in English class, Ms. Chadwick is lecturing her students when Weintraub and Albert gesture her to the hallway. They ask her first if Jeffrey was in class that day and then whether or not she had a rose on her desk that morning. She replied that Jeffrey was not in class but she did have a rose on her desk. Weintraub asks her to join them in searching Jeffrey's locker. She protests, saying it was unfair to search a student's locker. Tom, having been in her class when the principal escorted her out, then approaches, announcing that it was "not only unfair but also illegal" for them to do so. He then reveals that he is a police officer and asks that they not open Jeffrey's locker, stepping in front of it.

Weintraub demands that the locker be opened, but Hanson refuses, insisting that they didn't have probable cause to search it. Weintraub rebuts, stating that Albert saw Jeffrey's car parked outside when he opened up that morning and saw him "slinking" around the hallways and back to his car before anyone else got there. Just then, the bell rings. Weintraub then says he wants Jeffrey arrested and Hanson again refuses, saying, "let me do my job, Mr. Weintraub. Don't be an idiot."

Jeffrey then appears, saying, "I don't know, Gilmore, that's asking a lot of him." He then sarcastically asks Weintraub what he could do for him. Weintraub tells him to open his locker, and Hanson steps away, encouraging him to also. Jeffrey makes a remark about Hanson's fake I.D., which Hanson then reveals is not only fake but also accompanies a police badge. Jeffrey smiles, amused by this development, calling Hanson a "narc blossom" and "professional jerk."

Once again, Weintraub asks him to open his locker. Jeffrey does so, stating he would like to embarrass them by showing them there's nothing in there to hide. Upon opening the locker, all of the stolen calculators are found within, prompting Hanson to arrest Jeffrey in front of the student body. Jeffrey insists that he didn't steal the calculators as Hanson reads him his rights and leads him out of the school.

As Jeffrey and his father walk out of the police station, Jeffrey continues insisting he didn't do it and thanks his father for posting his bail. His father, irritated, tells Jeffrey not to lie to him, to which he continues insisting he isn't lying and didn't commit the crime. His father tells him he isn't even so angry that he did it as that he got caught. He tells his son that he should've "protect[ed] the bottom line."

Ms. Chadwick is Irate

Ms. Chadwick and Hanson make up.

At her apartment, Ms. Chadwick hears a knock on the door. She answers the door to find Hanson, who wants to explain himself. She doesn't want him to, but he tries to plead his case anyway by saying he was only doing his job. She doesn't buy this as a reasonable excuse, as she believes his job involves emotionally manipulating minors and "humiliating him in front of his peers." They walk into her house as she gestures to an object on the table, noting that it was a "pretty nice gift" and that he "spelled Lord Byron wrong." Concerned, he tells her he didn't get her that gift and asks when she received it. She said it was on her doorstep when she arrived home from work.

Calculating in his head, Hanson determines that the gift couldn't have been from Jeffrey, as he was still in jail when the gift was placed. After some banter, Ms. Chadwick forgives Hanson and they begin to kiss. Just before things grow more intimate, Hanson remembers his concern for who gave her the gift. He rationalizes that if Jeffrey didn't give her the gift (which was a CD player), then perhaps he didn't give her the roses either. He then comes to the conclusion that he might have "busted the wrong guy."

Albert and Jeffrey Square Off

Hanson catches Albert assaulting Jeffrey.

At the school, Albert removes Kyle's trophy from the trophy case as Jeffrey walks in. Jeffrey tells him not to touch it. Albert tells him he is only cleaning it, but Jeffrey insists that he not touch his brother's things. He then reveals that he has been watching Albert when he plays basketball alone and notes that he is as "lousy" at it now as he was when he played with Kyle in high school. He theorizes that Albert set him up, because he had seen Albert steal all of that stuff. He didn't turn him in because he believed it wasn't any of his business, until he got "busted" for it. Jeffrey then taunts Albert, saying he was going to tell everyone, including Ms. Chadwick, to which Albert screams, "Don't you tell her anything, Kyle!" calling Jeffrey by his brother's name.

Jeffrey then continues to taunt him, saying that Kyle got Albert benched from the basketball team when they played together in high school and that Ms. Chadwick would've loved him. Albert becomes increasingly agitated. Finally, after further taunting, Albert takes a swing at Jeffrey and begins chasing him down the halls. He catches up to Jeffrey in the gymnasium, where he tackles him and holds the trophy over his head, threatening to hit him with it while he yells at Jeffrey, continuing to call him Kyle. Jeffrey tries to tell him that he is not his brother, when Hanson rushes in, pointing his gun at Albert, telling him to drop the trophy he was using as a weapon.

Albert does as he is told, allowing Jeffrey to escape from under him. Four more officers come in behind Hanson to back him up. Albert stands and seemingly has flashbacks to his high school basketball games, where he failed to perform and grows visibly upset. Shaking, he explains that his failures as a basketball player in high school has led to this lifetime of failures and mediocrity he currently lives. He is then cuffed and taken away.

Hanson then takes the opportunity to clear the air with Jeffrey, asking where all of the goods he was selling were coming from. Jeffrey reveals that he was buying all of the merchandise to sell, "just because." Jeffrey then makes it clear that he wasn't spying on Ms. Chadwick; he was trying to work up the nerve to ask her out on a date. He tells Hanson that he owes him Springsteen tickets the next time he's in town. The two make amends and Hanson leaves. Jeffrey looks at his brother's trophy on the ground and picks up the basketball. He shoots a basket in honor of Kyle.

Ioki Takes His Exam

Ioki wrecks into his exam evaluator.

Ioki and another car collide while fighting over a parking spot. Ioki yells at him for wrecking into him and tells him to get out of the spot, to which the man complies. Citing the facts that he has studied, Ioki makes his way up to his exam room, where he comes to realize the man he had just yelled at over the parking spot was his evaluator for the exam.

Hanson Makes Up with Ms. Chadwick

Hanson greets Ms. Chadwick at her apartment and offers her a rose, asking if he can buy her a drink. She quips that perhaps they should stay in instead. The episode closes with Hanson and Ms. Chadwick kissing in her doorway.

Cast

Main Cast

• Johnny Depp as Tom Hanson
• Holly Robinson Peete as Judy Hoffs
• Dustin Nguyen as Harry Truman (H.T.) Ioki
• Frederic Forrest as Captain Richard Jenko
• Peter DeLuise as Doug Penhall

Guest Stars

• Leah Ayres as Ms. Susan Chadwick
• Anthony Mockus Sr. as Principal Weintraub
• Mark Lowenthal as Albert Janowitz
• Geoffrey Blake as Jeffrey Stone

Persons of Interest Notes

Jeffrey Stone

• Case: Theft of school property; vandalism
• Relationship to the Case: Suspect
• Known Associates: None
• Rapport with Jump Street Officers:
  • Tom Hanson: Tom becomes friends with Jeffrey when Tom offers to buy Van Halen tickets from him.

Jeffrey is a loner at South Central High, who frequently misses class and is largely considered a troublemaker by his teachers and peers. He sells merchandise that he gets through undisclosed means, leading authorities to believe that he is stealing it from the school and selling it for a profit.

Albert Janowitz

• Case: Theft of school property; vandalism
• Relationship to the Case: Perpetrator
• Known Associates: None
• Rapport with Jump Street Officers: N/A

Albert is revealed to have set Jeffrey up for a crime he committed, which consisted of vandalism and theft of school property, to get payback for the life he felt he was deprived of by Jeffrey's brother, Kyle.

Notes and Trivia

• When Jeffrey is flipping channels on TV, a show comes on with the credits reading "Patrick Hasburgh." Patrick Hasburgh is the creator/writer for the show.

Gallery

Quotes

Jenko: Hanson, guys who make a habit of camping out on school rooftops don't usually make much sense.

---